The Absence of Politeness is Not Hostility: A Study in Reflex and Fragility
I recently made a TikTok — dry, clear, emotionally flat — stating that I no longer offer default kindness, civility, or politeness to men. Just that. Not cruelty, not rage. Just… nothing.
The response? Fury.
From strangers I will never meet.
Men, mostly. Some women, too — defending the structure. Defending the idea that I must offer something.
Because I removed a signal — the social nicety that tells others they are safe, accepted, unchallenged — and it made them panic.
They do not know how to be received if the response is neutral.
They interpret stillness as danger.
And worse — they assume something must replace it.
As if I have only two gears:
Smile or snarl.
Soft or vicious.
Warmth or punishment.
They cannot comprehend that I have simply withdrawn my labour — not my humanity. And they reveal, again and again, that they only ever recognized women through what we offered them.
🩹 Projection as a Mirror
This has shown me something sharp and valuable:
People’s reactions tell you more about their expectations than your actions.
If I don’t smile, I must be cruel.
If I don’t soothe, I must be hostile.
If I don’t serve, I must be punished.
They are not responding to me. They are responding to their perceived loss of something they were never owed. And I’m not mad about it. I’m fascinated.
🎭 Appearance as Trigger
My physical self only heightens this.
I’ve shaved my eyebrows. I use TikTok filters with fairy wings, black eyes, constellations, and freckles. I look like I wandered out of a portal — because, in many ways, I did.
And it drives them mad.
“I think you’re safe.”
“Look at this pog woman.” (They meant “pig,” but still.)
The comments flood in — but never with silence.
They must say something.
Because my face and voice no longer cue their default role.
Because I am not decorative, not polite, and not interested.
They don’t understand neutrality.
And they certainly don’t know what to do with a woman who gives nothing in return.
🧘♀️ The Blank Stare
I have nothing to offer you, sir.
No flirtation. No apology. Not even anger.
I give you a blank stare.
I do not absorb you.
I do not resist you.
I do not notice you beyond this observation.
This, apparently, is unforgivable.
🗣️ Pattern Recognition
I noticed the same thing in a completely different context:
I supported doctors striking for humane work hours. I said patients shouldn’t have to upwardly manage exhausted staff. I shared my own history of negligent care caused by burnout and understaffing.
The responses?
“So you’re saying patients should be rude to doctors?”
“Entitled patient energy.”
Again, the disconnect. The binary. The lack of nuance.
They only recognize extremes:
If you critique the system, you must want chaos.
If you support one side, you must want harm to the other.
They don’t hear the words.
They hear the absence of comforting performance.
🔮 The Lesson in It All
The people who rage at me do not realize:
I am not talking to them.
I never was.
And I don’t need their agreement, their permission, or their input.
What they’re witnessing is sovereignty.
And it scares them — because it doesn’t ask for anything.
I’m not here to make them comfortable.
I’m not here to make them angry either.
I’m just here — observing. Naming. Withdrawing.
And for some reason, that is enough to unravel the whole performance.
